These Boots Were Made For Winning at Life

Name: Rockport Hiking Boots I Guess
Age: 4 Months Old
Size: 11.5
General Interests: Going outdoors, dirt, being tough, climbing stuff, doing hard work, kicking stuff in a manly fashion, being tougher than you.
Personality Type: Non-elitist, non-name-brand outdoorsy type.

Ah, my Rockport hiking boots. They’re probably not good enough for some people. They don’t have an "outdoor" name brand label on them. In fact, Rockport is a brand known for making dress shoes. These boots mark the 3^rd pair of Rockports I’ve ever owned, and the first two are still in great working order. (I wish I were getting paid to say this, but here goes...) If you ever want some great dress shoes, get some Rockports.

About a year ago, I brought a decent pair of hiking boots out to DC from home, only to leave them on the Metro as I rode back from the airport. That was a miserable mistake. A run-in with brand snobbery kept me from purchasing another cheap but functional pair of hiking boots to replace them, so I slogged through multiple feet of snow and a few hikes in old dress shoes, furthering my miserable experience.  Sometimes you just have to stand up for what’s right, show the haters who’s in charge, and buy what you want…lesson learned.

Last weekend (or was it two weekends ago…?) I joined a group of guy friends on an exciting adventure to a Habitat for Humanity job site. This was the first attempt at our goal of doing volunteer work once a month, and it was a real success. We worked outside for about eight hours, during which we put siding on half of a wall of the house, dug a thirty foot long trench about one foot deep in gravel, and even did some painting. It was hard but fun work, and I even flirted with a girl, who, it turned, had a boy friend. A heads up would have been nice since I spent eight hours thinking we might have a “thing.” Oh well, that’s usually “par for the course” with me. 

That girl and I put all the siding up you see there. A girl that's handy with a 

hammer is both attractive and slightly intimidating.

During this event, I was happy to see my Rockports performing well. I’d even say they felt at home in this environment. The tough, deep tread gripped and clawed at the dirt and gravel, and made climbing the scaffolding a cinch. As I measured, cut, leveled, and hammered all the pieces of siding against the house, I begin to wonder if I missed my true calling. Construction…what a manly profession. Wearing my boots, I looked at home there on the construction site. I even wore a baseball cap for the first time in 4 years. Yep, I was looking good.

Let me share a little secret with you...I have opinions. Lots of opinions. One thing that I often reflect on is the improper use of tough outdoor boots.

Oh lord, how I hate it when people wear them inappropriately.

What is an “inappropriate” use of hiking boots, you ask? Any time you’re not running around in mud, dirt, snow, or gravel, you’re using them wrong. They aren’t called “daily boots” or “sidewalk shoes.” They are called “Hiking Boots” because they are meant for one thing: Outdoor activities.

When I see someone walking around Safeway, wearing their Keens, buying a gallon of milk so you can eat a bowl of cereal in their crappy studio apartment, I can’t help but think “Do you realize how much trouble it was to put those on compared to any other type of shoe you could have conceivably worn?” Short of a pair of snowboard boots, hiking shoes are the most time consuming type of footwear ever.

It’s like they are trying to shout as loudly as possible “I LOVE BEING OUTDOORS!” Well great job! Here’s a medal! I think there’s a Subaru dealership nearby if you want to go hug it out. It’s like when someone gets off their bike and keeps their right pant leg rolled up so we can all see that they biked there. I just don't care. We all like being outdoors...you're just not special

My favorite is when someone wears them to the office as if they were dress shoes. Oh man. Ohhhh boy… I have so many problems with that. Have they ever heard the rule “Don’t wear brown with black?” Well that’s a rule for a reason; those brown and yellow hiking boots look absolutely ridiculous with black dress slacks. An alternative pair of comfortable office shoes are Chucks. At least they are color appropriate.

“You’re mean! I like to wear my hiking boots to [insert place here] because they are comfortable and supportive!” Dumb. Wearing hiking boots to the office, grocery store, mall, or worst of all, a club on a Friday night (I’ve seen it!) is about as ridiculous as someone wearing high heels to play basketball. Sure, your legs and butt might look great, but that’s wildly inappropriate. Just like you wear shorts when it’s hot and pants when it’s cold, you wear hiking boots when you are going to be walking around in the mud, and any other shoe when you’re not.

In my time with this blog, I have come to understand shoes and speak their language. Wearing the wrong shoe for the occasion is, at best, an abuse of that pair of shoes, if not an outright crime against humanity. Be good to your hiking boots. Show them some mud.

Getting turned down by a girl while building a house in tough looking, appropriately worn boots…That sounds like an awesome Reason to Put on My Shoes to me.

 That's 30 Feet of trench. Not an easy task when the dirt is half gravel.

A New Thing: The "Quick Hit"

Hello Dear Reader,

I’d like to introduce you to something new. I suppose it’s nothing new in the greater “blogosphere,” but it’s new to me, and I suppose that’s all that should matter to you: The Quick Hit.

You see, there are times through the week when I think, “I should blog about that because it’s so (insert adjective here)!” Then I either forget it, or maybe I just realize there’s no way I could fill out a whole post about it.

That’s where my new “Quick Hits” segment comes into play. I know…you are probably thinking “Crap on a stick, I have to deal with more of this guy’s dumb shoe posts?”

The answer to that, my dear friends, is: “Yes we can!”

So, keep an eye out for these useless nuggets of wisdom. They will be like that random French fry you find in your Chicken Nuggets—a special morsel that is to be treasured and bragged about. May you be so lucky that you will find one of these random “French Fries” in your week!

Quick Hits: Showing Our Age

I live in denial. In this case, I want to deny that 9 year old shoes need to be replaced. The joke’s on me though, because two days ago it was raining. Hard.

I found, much to my dismay, that my left shoe had a hole in it. I shouldn’t have been surprised though. Based on the above picture, I’d expect them to last me another 9 years. The below picture seems to suggest otherwise:

Wet socks have a way of ruining my day. So does the realization that I have to buy new shoes. I hate shoe shopping.  

If you want to take care of it for me, my shoe size is 11. I'll pay you back, because I think that shoe shopping is A (terrible) Reason to Put on My Shoes.

Dancing With Fire Will Get You Kicked Out of the Club

Name: DC Pure

Style: Skate Shoes
Age: About 3 years old
Size: 12
General Interests: Skateboarding, graffiti art, throwing rocks at cops, refusing to grow up.

Personality Type: Real trouble makers. They blame parents for being “too overbearing,” then try to get me arrested by waxing up a rail in front of Safeway and skateboarding into old people.

Skate shoes: Every fourteen year old boy owns a pair of these. Heck, pretty much any guy who was a teenager in the last fifteen years has as well. Extremely comfortable, you are supposed to buy them about one size too big (I’m usually an 11) because they are padded to a ridiculous level. This padding is there to protect your feet so that when you’re doing Shove-its and Kickflips, you can’t really hurt yourself. Seriously, I’ve seen these shoes take a BB shot from an air rifle and stop it. They are so padded.

This last Sunday, I took my DCs on a walk through sunny downtown…wait for it…DC. (See what I did there?) They really aren’t any good for walking because of how flat they are, but their padding keeps you from realizing that your feet have gone numb and are slowly gathering blisters. I suppose that can be considered a plus…

I ended up wandering down to the Kennedy Center, where it turned out to be India Week. One of the festivities for this was a free lesson in Bhangra, an Indian dance from the Punjab region. Known by many as “The Most Hilarious Dance in the World,” you may have seen it in a Bollywood movie or an Indian music video, as they break into this type of dance at random.

What, you ask, does this dance look like? Well, if you did not click on the above link, I will try to describe it. Imagine someone making a pistol shape with each hand, pointing at the ceiling, and then waving their arms and pointing in various directions…to a beat. Of course, an important part is that you MUST have a smile on your face. You will be having fun, or else. It really is an art, though I don’t think I got good enough to make it appear as such.

In fact, I just am not good at dancing in general. The joke that “white men can’t dance” may be untrue in a general sense, but the Good Lord did not bless THIS white guy with the sexy hips that are required in most dance styles. Truth be told, I’m not sure if I even have hips, cause I look awkward every time I try to move them.

Can I Salsa? Nope. How about Tango? That’s a joke. I can do some Swing, but let’s be honest…short of being in a wheel chair, there’s not much that can keep someone from being able to swing dance. It’s kind of the short bus of popular dancing.

Trying to learn Bhangra made me feel stupid. I probably looked stupid too. However, I started to realize none of the 200+ people around me looked any better. What a relief. I’m not the only bad dancer out there.

Looking like an idiot in a room of 200+ people…Now that’s A Good Reason to Put on My Shoes.

A better view of the crowd. The lady on stage looked better than any of us.

You Make Fun of My Shoes, But I'm Not In Debt

Name: Hurley Classic Slip-Ons
Age: Ageless
Size: 11
General Interests: Loafing around the house, going out on a Friday night, going to the grocery store, being the center of attention, cuddling, eating chocolate.

Personality Type: Basically me, but a shoe

 

See that girl down there in the dark gray sweater who is sitting on the right? Her name is Josie. She had a birthday, and turned an undisclosed age (At what point do women stop admitting their age? I’ll stop when I hit 37). We had big plans, up to and including a scavenger hunt all over DC. Her often creative boy friend penned the details, and from what I hear, it was going to be quite a blast.

 

Unfortunately, mid-twentysomthings are classically unreliable at the early hour of 2 PM on a Saturday, and as such, we didn’t have enough of a group to perform the said scavenger hunt. Our “Plan B” involved a walk to Meridian Hill Park, where we played some intense games of Frisbee and Monkey in the Middle. Though this was such a simple set of activities, it turns out they are a lot of fun.

Seriously, if you are ever bored while hanging out with friends, go throw a Frisbee around. You will have fun, guaranteed.

(On a side note, now that I think in terms of “What would make a good blog post?” I was excited for this event. So much I could have talked about! Alas...)

My Hurleys performed admirably in this scenario. I have found that they have a personality much like my own. If I spend a day in my room, or if I want to walk down to the kitchen for some Marshmallow Matey’s (An off brand cereal from the West Coast), they are simple to throw on. If I want to run over to a friend’s house, if I want to work out, or maybe do some fun activity, I can slip them on and expect nothing but a comfortable, convenient experience. Also, girls often comment on their pattern, using adjectives like “trippy” and “intense.” Those are words I like to hear about things attached to me.

Having listed all of that, probably my favorite aspect about these shoes is that they remind me of the old “Ked Slip Ons” I wore for years growing up. They were never cool, and they were never “grownup shoes,” but I loved them. They were easy, they were fast (I wasn’t so great at tying shoes…), and they were always comfortable. They have become stylish again, but that plays very little into my consideration when I put them on; I just like to wear easy, comfortable shoes.

This brings up a good point though…Now that my friends and I are in our early to mid twenties, we have discovered that all these old games we used to play are suddenly fun again. Frisbee, hide and seek, tag…they are all enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Who knew that despite the fact that there is nothing technologically impressive about a $5 Frisbee, it could be just as much fun for a group of people as a $500 iPad? It’s not as cool, nor is it as stylish. However, as we get older, we realize that we don’t need to impress each other to have a good time.

This, Dear Reader, is when the realization hit me. A pair of old-fashioned slip on shoes which cost $30 are just as useful as any other pair of fashionable shoes that cost $79.99. I can put them on, be more comfortable, and take them off again faster than you can realize that your $80 shoes are ugly and high maintenance. 

Realizing that I can look as cool as I did when I was 7 years old? That is a great Reason to Put on My Shoes.

Speaking of youth, here is a "Middle School" style picture of all my friends' shoes. Notice how comfortable they look? It's because I don't hang out with high maintenance fools:

Finally, this picture was just too cool NOT to post. Who knew a camera could take such a picture? Here we go:

George Washington Ain't Got Nothin' on This Guy

Name: New Balance
Age: Brand New

Size: 11.5
General Interests: Being new, I’d hazard a guess that they like long runs, going to the gym, riding a bicycle with someone they care about (me), and generally being active.

Personality Type: “Richard Simmons” type of energetic

Took my shoes for a bike ride on Saturday. I rode the Mount Vernon trail all the way to its namesake location. I wore my brand new New Balance shoes which I accidentally bought  a month ago because of a Groupon snafu. I barely ever run anymore, so I really didn’t need them. The good thing is that they are comfortable and well ventilated, which is great for riding my bike. They look cool too. When people see me, I’ll bet they think “Look at his shoes. I’ll bet he’s in great shape.” Yea…that’s totally what they think…

Anyway, the bike ride was totally awesome. I rode approximately 43 miles, burning nearly 1800 calories. I rode fast and hard, and sometimes I even pretended that I was racing, just so I could make myself go faster.

I used to make fun of people who rode their bike to work. I’d call them “hippies,” among other names. “Why ride a bike when you can just drive?” I’d ask.

That all changed when I moved to the city, and realized how long it takes to go places around here. Two miles can take about 30 minutes if you are walking, and the Metro is a miserable failure of a system that can take just as long as walking. Finally, I got a bike. In an ironic turn of events, I ride it to work most days. It turns out that going fast is fun, and when you usually walk places, a bike seems like it’s fueled by lightning.

Sometimes when riding, I come up on a gap between two joggers running in opposite directions. As the distance closes between them, I pedal harder, pretending that I am in the Millennium Falcon, and the mouth of the giant Space Slug is closing and trying to cut off my escape route. At the last, I zoom through the opening just before the two joggers close it off, and then say some line in my head that sounds like something Han Solo would say if he had completed some heroic act.

Then I ride on, smiling silently to myself, because I just made real life awesome.

Riding 43 miles is great. Riding 43 miles, pretending I’m piloting a legendary space ship the whole time? Well, that just sounds like a great Reason to Put on My Shoes.